Ray of hope?

Thank you for such a constructive night. I already feel I’m a better person. I can’t thank you enough. If my life becomes shorter for that, I would cut my life short. Although not everything turns out to be just like I wanted, but hey, it’s already very good. What more can I ask for? He is already the most approachable man I have. He’s my friend, my brother.

Don’t know why, may be I don’t have confidence in myself? I always scare I make the wrong move then he regrets what I have done on him. But so far everything is fine.

Is it humans sometimes want to be in other people’s shoe? Or is it just me? The person I want to be is not any Hollywood hunks or any movie idols, but I just want to be in the shoes of a normal man. My prayers to be normal started more then 10 years ago. At that time I was bathing, I looked out the windows onto the bright blue sky with white cloud gracefully blowing by. Then I pray, with all my hearts, my concentration; God, I want to be normal. Just a very simple wish for an insignificant man like me.

May be any of the readers out there might say, “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with you. I think you are normal.” You may think like that, but the problem is I don’t think so. >”< I can’t life with myself, what the hell? What I have done to deserve such suffering. What god wants of me? Please I can’t take it anymore, at times; death seems like a simple exit. And sometimes, pain makes me forget what I am in.

Confusion, desperation, frustration, my mental tourment is never ending. May be this non biological brother of mine can understand me? Just may be. May be companionship from person like him can make me finish the bitterness what I started. Life.