Hope Gone Again.

It seems that God has an overly good sense of humor. He gives people hope and takes it away. I don’t know what more he wants of me. My best friend who I just founded just has gone His status back to just friends. My best friend is my only way of expressing my care and reservoir of love which will never be released. Now all my thought, feelings and possessions are all mine alone. I re-realize that I am alone in this world after all. And yet attachment from family prevents me from doing what I desired. So at times I wish my old man will die faster. What a sinful thought isn’t it?

Feeling really tired of all the one man show. Me and me alone. Really feeling sick and tired. Really tired. When I look out the windows I can see how the world passes ignoring me. The cool look of clear blue sky, the billowing white clouds, cruel still green tree bushes bind together with the soft sound of birds chirping and occasional whisk of wind blowing though the leaves. Then I think, the world so nice, even without me everything would be just as nice. What am I doing here? Why am I here? The nature seems so nice that I want to join them.

May be I would choose to hang myself, .. don’t get too surprised. After death, I can truly rest my mind, my body my soul. Getting really tired now. Tired……. Tired of life, no aim, aspiration. Won’t be anyone to love, or to love me. I cant touch what the future holds for me. All has become so grey, hopeless.

I wan to express my sorry and gratitude for yuying. For his sleeping hours, privacy and attention. I am now lost again. I don’t know where to go from here. All of my lonely life, I thought I saw a small ray of hope, as I approach it; it is just a cruel joke on me. Everything is just an illusion. The illusion from my yearning for affection. Why cant I life past this? Like anybody else? There is no problem they don’t feel it because they don’t have it. I can see everything beside me but yet I was not obliged to really get into with them. I was referring to hope, love, affection, and understanding.

Whining here does not do any good to the situation also does not make me feels any better at all. Tired, hopeless, I am going to sleep a sad soul. I go to sleep. Let me be alone.