Sleepless

Cannot sleep well in two days already. Very tired. Today no class, but still cannot sleep. If can’t sleep, then why don’t I just stay awake? I am boiling some Chinese herb to make me stay awake. Later going extension library. Body aching, feels tired, no energy.

This morning really want to find someone to chat. But nobody is online. Housemate all laughing downstairs. Feeling tired. Cant sleep. Why?

Yeah Baby~

Yesterday I went to the counselor again. Someone cut his wrist out of depression and now being held at Melaka hospital mental ward. =_=” I did not feel any surprised because I totally understand his feeling and actions because I tried to hurt myself before also.

My third session of counseling is scheduled next week. I think before long, I will be in counseling mode where I won’t act like myself in various aspects. I will start act what I am pre-programmed to do. I don’t know what the outcome will be but I pray it would not make people hate me more. Probably the last semester don’t have midterm break has stress me out.

“Don’t do things to others that you do not wish others do to you.” But the problem is, these people is really too selfish and self-centered. They only remember what people did, forgetting that they did the same thing to that person.

Yesterday I went to 'tae kwon do' also. Today when I sneeze, it’s like Oh Shit! You know why? Because my abdomen hurts >”<. I think I over did at yesterday’s training. But over doing is the one that gives the kick in doing something. Now I feel reluctant to leave tae kwon do. But to staying there I will have to dish out another rm15 per month for the fees. Plus rm32 for my erhu class, that means I will have to get ready about rm50 extra per month for my co-curricular activities. >_< no money~

Did I mention I am going to buy the instrument also? It cost about rm300 something. The teacher says, if you play it for a year, it only cost about rm1 per day. True, but can I pay rm1 per day for a year? Of course it’s a definite NO!!. Doesn’t really know where I am going to get the money but I think I will have them when it is pay up time, who says I am not Mr. Positive-thinking! @_@

Justice

There is no definite right or definite wrong to a situation. Because of difference in view point, something can be right and also wrong at the same time. It is just depend how much right or wrong that you can see in a matter that makes a decision worthwhile.

Sometime you can be cruel by being too kind. Because you temporarily don’t want to hurt people feelings or is not committed to your kindness, you can caused more misery for longer period of time in the future, causing irreversible damage.

The road back is always open, but ego always prevents people from taking the turn. For person who is willing put his face and pride aside and went back for a bigger cause, their effort is not always appreciated.

Balance is always there in this world, but not justice. And honesty does not always pay.

Two friend story

I don’t know why, I always manage to get the wrong massage across to mr.H. Re-mentioning the matter is considered a taboo for me since now everything is already in balance.

Why people suffer depression? According to yahoo searches, there are many causes of depression. The causes can be divided into emotional and medical causes. I think the same reason causes mine.

One of my first darkest depressions is when I was staying alone above “kim poh” restaurant. Thanks to ah han, I was able to live pass the dilemma. He is a caring and cheerful person back then. Of course, people changes and we are growing further apart. Now, I would like keep our friendship a save distance, because if you want to blame, I always the trouble maker and gets into friends ignore list. Perhaps that’s the real me without the paper bag over my head.

As for Yuying, I does not forbid him to be in relationship. Back then, he is my best friend who I can say anything to him. Sometimes, a hearing ear is what people need and could save a person from ending his life. I thought if anything happens to me, at least ONE person should know me thoroughly. If not, it would be like I come and go un-noticed, as if I never existed before. I don’t think anyone who read this blog understand my feelings. Normally only people in ripe age will worry to be noticed of their existence, normally most of them will count their accomplishment so that they can go in peace.

After I move here I got very depressed. I feel very troubled and the world has never been so colorless. I can spend whole night watching the naked floor doing nothing, also I can’t sleep well in weeks, and it makes me feel very tired and so tempted to rest forever. Food, music and everything I enjoyed doing becomes tasteless.

In a moment like this, yuying is willing to help. He sacrifices his sleeping time to hear me talking nonsense through the morning. Sometimes I feel guilty seeing him skipping classes sleeping. His advice and affection I can almost surely say no other people can offer. Because of this, he gained a very important place among my friendship at that time.

For a friend who I can give my life to, founds a person who he really loves, I cannot be happier for him. I congratulated them both. Because I was still recovering from my depression; after getting an ok sign from yuying I tried to get yien yien to be my better friend as well, since I assume they both will share everything anyway. So I can have two pairs of listening ears, like people always say two is better than one.

However I got dumped still recovering. That’s why I mentioned in my previous blog that I wish for a little more time. I wish he would be around a little while longer. Conversely to ah han thoughts, actually I would not have problem for them in relationship, or the timing the relationship came, as long as it does not strip me of my best friend. In need for help, later I went to the school counselor instead.

It is completely understandable that a girl wants all of his boyfriend’s attention and affection and is also understandable that she does not feels comfortable that another guy being too close to her boyfriend. But without negotiation, I lost my important friend and was told to move out at the end of the first trimester. I am a living being with emotions, I can cheat other but I cannot cheat myself, if I say I liked what has happened I, would be lying others and myself.

These send me to countless trips to temples to pray so that our friendship wouldn’t end just like that. Two of my “ask god” session send my parent a shock because of my small people problem. The last one which I went last Saturday, my father thought I saw ghost!

Thankfully I still stays here, and me and yuying I wouldn’t say we are exactly friends, but at least we are not enemies. May be that is good enough? for what ever reason, he does not talk to me anymore, so I try to comply with him so that I will not give him a hard time.

Ah han say I was trying to break people up. What? I did no such thing! I was hoping later when I pay them a visit after we graduated, there was a lot of cute “small ghost” running around the house and they would call me, Uncle! Uncle! Uncle!.... any of you can imagine how yuying kids looks like? Interesting, huh? Hehe. Ever wonder before how much he can earn and the type of life he lead with yien yien?

But all the thought and mood went down the drain since we already become like this. Sad. May be I should look at the bright side; I can save my angpau money? @_@ . No la, I would be happier giving them out rather then keeping them. Haiz, Never mind la, nothing I can do already.

So much more I can talk about this ex-special friend, but I don’t want to hog all the blog space for this one posting. May be next time. May all of you be happy always. Life is short, don’t waste them. XD

Condom cap

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COS

I went to the COS Chinese orchestra society agm yesterday. Waa, got performance, but the quality is so so only lah. Only se the Kelvin housemate playing gao hu western song is very good. I am impressed.

Lately I want to do some instrument making. So, I decided to make an erhu or gaohu. Host likely is gaohu. Gaohu is same as erhu but has a higher pitch and brighter sound, but I afraid I can’t reach that high note on my DIY instrument with a clear bright sound. Snake skin? Nah… I figured a way to substitute it. Use cloth can or not? You just wait and see…. XD

So what I need the most now is compact hard wood. Since the species that available in Malaysia is already in threat of extinction, I guess use a bit softer should be ok. I went searching for material twice already, tonight I am gonna hit, got two pieces.

Now I am thinking where should I make it? Here or hometown? I think hometown will be bigger probability. There got equipment and dun scare wake people up or damaging landlord property. But thinking of transporting the wood back would be a hassle. Haiz…

Ho ho ho~ not chrismas yet?

For these two weeks, I have completely forgotten my blog’s user name. When I try to recover them, I was completely surprised because I remembered I have that username just when I look at the help email. Don’t know what is happening to me, getting old? XD

I already have a new phone from Australia given by my aunty. It is the first generation of nokia camera phone (^_^). But sadly, I don’t have the data cable. I am going to get one of those later and soon, there will be pictures taken by me in the blog. Yay~ but I doubt the quality of the image but, who cares? I got a new phone, hehe.

Yesterday I went to the RTM filming for Robocon. It is very tiring because I have to continuously taking dumbbell while shooting in the gym and got a lot of NG and worse still, we have to take for two languages; English and Malay. The funny part is the Malay, you know lah.. Haha. And it is very embarrassing when the shooting is taken in public places. Luckily the only public places I went for shooting is the US Pizza, all the members there get free treat pizza. ^-^

This weekend got IT Fair. I want a DVD burner, pen drive and an optical mouse. Anybody want present them to me? @.@ no money lah….. Cannot afford but I want, I want, I want~ >.< eeeeee……….~