T.T

My emotion is catching up on me and its burning me alive. This mixed feeling is definitely not a good feeling. >.<

Exam!!!

Buddhist says there is just a fine line that differentiates good people and bad people. That very fine line also differentiates between very bad people and a saint. So, please let me do something. It is super hard want to stay good. Walking down the sloop seems so much painfully intriguing. Each of my actions stands by itself. Please don’t disapprove all my actions if there is a grain of sand in one of them. I scare if I don’t do anything, I will fall into the darkness. Trust me; you don’t want that to happen.

Last Thursday or Wednesday, I went to the Buddhist hall. I intended to sit at the door to hear people chanting. I feel I don’t deserve to step into there and also I thought I don’t have any business in there. But after some time, some aunts came to the door and invited me in and join the chants. So, after so many years, I joined the chant group.

Yesterday, when I reach melaka, it’s already about 9pm. May be because of the fasting month, there are no bus after 9pm, so as a result, I took a taxi to bukit beruang costing rm15. Late, so I did not went to the youth group Buddhist song singing activity above the Buddhist hall. Feel a bit guilty let the group leader aeroplane.

And the main thing is, I FORGOT THE CRA PARTY!!.... I have written myself a note and paste it on the wall beside my bed. But on that day when my brother comes, I totally forget. Arr…..

These few days at my hometown, I super miss my erhu. So I got quite determined to build something that resembles the erhu so I can play during semester break later. Hope the thought would not flood my mind during the exam week. Still have 2 lab reports to write :(

Junction ?

Tonight last class for erhu before study week, yesterday yim suddenly said, if you got free time, teach me erhu. Hm… =_=

The male YY packed his things this morning, went back hometown I guess. May be I can do that too. On the second thought, may be not.

I know we made a lot of choices in our life, but not everything that happened we a have choices in it. If it is like you said, then there is no need for physiatrists or any depression medication or therapy because people just simply ‘choose’ to. Anything happened? Then just simply go the other way around…. I wish it is that simple. Don’t get angry huh, my mood not good that day.

Will god give less attention to you if you bring a friend along? I remember something in the bible that says half days work receives the same pay as a full days work. Does Jesus choose his believers? Or what is your true intention in approaching god? Is the house of god your private club? Who am I to talk about god’s teachings?

Bukit Beruang Buddhist centre is looking for members for youth Buddhist fellowship. There is dharma talk and on Thursday got youth session of Buddhist song singing and many other activities. They are also looking for a voluntary computer teacher for primary kids. The computer and brats are there but sadly there is no teacher. Anyone interested can approach me.

Exam is around the corner. It is much nearer than I thought. I can’t start revision earlier because lately too busy taking care of my stuff. Later still got multimedia project presentation. There is nothing much for me to present actually because I did not finish doing it, furthermore late submission =_=”

Got Thief?

The gum at the most end of my wisdom tooth is very painful now, probably is developing an ulcer. I cannot eat as I like anymore now.

Yesterday night is the second consecutive night I has been startled from my sleep. the previous night is because of a loud thunder during the heavy rain.

Yesterday when I was sleeping, suddenly there was a loud crashing sound outside my door, and then I head something plastic fell down the stairs, sounds like an empty soda bottle. First thing that came to my mind is my housemate fell down the stairs. Then secondly may be a thief came into our house. I was standing behind the door, dare not open because if it’s a thief, I would be in great danger, and better to stay behind locked doors. I put my ears against the door trying to listen, but it was quiet.

But then, what if really my housemate fell down the stairs? I thought if it is my housemate, he would groan and curse, but…. What if he hit his head and fainted? Because of my concern, I opened the door slowly and peeked outside. After a while I realized it is the pile of junks piled outside that has fell down. There was an a stack of old newspaper, two casing cover, an empty square biscuit can, and front and back of fan casing and the last thing which went down the stairs is the plastic fan blade.

After about 30secs, yim who stay opposite my room come out with a knife. I picked up the fan blade on the stairs and we briefly put the things aside and we both retire to our room. Then a thought hit me, because of my worry to friends, I put myself in real danger. What if that is really a thief making noise trying to lure people out of their rooms? What will happen to me if that is the case? I realized how much I care for my friends.

To be a friend does not only mean to present visually.

Oh My Buddha !

Yesterday when I pass by the Buddhist centre(purposely) a guy which are also passing by the main door is looking at me. After a few seconds I greeted “Ah Mi Tuo Fo!” then the guy also replied then say ”c'mon in, got a talk going on”. So there I went in hearing the story of special people’s life path in obtaining greatness.

These two days, I see ah bing mood like no good. Don’t know whether he will leave me also? Suddenly I miss my paternal grandmother, although I very little see her. I think I want to go find her. She must be with my paternal grandfather now which I never meet. Come to think of it, I got quite a bunch of relative on the other side already. So if I go pay a visit, I won’t be alone.

My whole life now is hanging on one sentence only. Got it in my alpha year. Because of that, I cant die. Not until I have the ability to repay my dept. Brah brah brahhh….. I am scribbling, mumbling, mind sailing away~

I scare if I went to the counselor again, I would cry there again.

Pearls of tear rolled down my chin. People smile and laugh when they are happy. People cry when they are sad. Eating sweet can improve mood? Not working now.

Where'd you go?

I miss you so,

Seems like it's been forever,

That you've been gone.

Some days I feel like shit,

Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,

I find myself trying to stay by the phone,

'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,

But I feel like an idiot,

workin' my day around the call,

But when I pick up I don't have much to say,

So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,

That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',

Tellin' you that I've had it with you,

But I keep on thinking,

Where'd you go?

I miss you so,

Seems like it's been forever,

That you've been gone.

Where'd you go?

I miss you so,

Seems like it's been forever,

That you've been gone,

Please come back home...

Please come back home...

Aid

Crying in the rain today gets triple eye lid. I just need ONE true caring friend, just one. I don’t care if it’s a guy or girl. I think I am too much of a sucker that cannot live alone.

Who know how bitter life can be, the mental can be so depressing. If there is god, and if he is all mighty and all knowing, does he know the suffering of man? For so many people who have taken their life away, has god forsaken them? Where is god and his angels when people need them most? Why?