exam break

The time now is 9.21pm. Seems a little bit early but I feel like shit. The way I led my life lately has sucked all the juice out of me. However I am a bit happy because the way I study has changed. Now, I am able to cover more topics in less stress.

My next paper is communication II on Monday. Still haven’t really studied for the exam, but thinking today is Saturday, I somewhat feels a bit happy. Just the weekend joy, although I have to struggle with the subject later.

My last paper is data communication and networking on the next Saturday. This gives me the luxury of four full days to study on the subject. That’s why I haven’t touched the subject at all before this. He he.


Just now I went to super 99 store to but ice cream then I also bought a bottle of don’t know what a Chinese herb soda drink. I think I am the only one who is buying the drink. Everywhere I went there the exact number of bottles is there and when I bought one, it less one. Guess no body is enjoying the weird drink. It’s crystal clear with not much flavor but some bitterness after taste. Taste a bit like soda water but not as awful.

I am feeling the urge to bite on something now. Nuts may be, but I have none with me. May be go get some later. Just enjoying the slow hours moving by; simply type something for my blog. However, I’m gonna off, tata. Watch simsons with some nuts may be.

Time of adversity

At first I thought their relationship is gods will. But later I found out it is not exactly come from god, but is inspired by an angel.

He doesn’t know what his girlfriend has promised. It doesn’t matter already. It’s broken.

Hope time will give friendship a second chance.

I went to the school counselor. He offered help. He is not as professional as I thought he would be, but I think it should be sufficient. There will be more meetings with him in the future to start the help plan.

Happy exam everyone. Good luck, and let you be loved. Godspeed.

Peek-a-boo

The sun took a peek through the gloomy dark cloud again this dusk. I can’t see it but I can feel its warmness. I thought it’s the end of any hope for the sun but he likes to fool people who trusted in him. Second time it went out since the world turned upside-down. Hope there are still many many sun shines to come. Lighten up my view. You can please yourself and make people happy, why hold back?

I always don’t know what to do. Most of the times I will think what a normal people will think in a situation like this. Or what a normal people will do? Why I don’t have the basic normal mind setting in me? It always has been the truth is out there.

I am trying hard to understand, please give me some time. Please, I am sorry.

Wait...still waiting...

Someone left someone out again. Wanted accompany for meals, hm… something too much to ask for. H says I should eat alone, ask for accompany only create vulnerable place to be hurt. There should not be promise in life also, because that leads to be aero-planed.

H also says my blog is nothing but gloomy feelings. Give me something good I shall write about it. How come I am so in-content of my life? Since when? As far as I can remember. Does grass always looks greener on the other side of the wall? Why can’t I at least cheat myself a bit? I still have to live, why make it so difficult for myself? H says he don't want me become like that. I say I can tell you everything, you can help me change. No reply after that. Not everything can be changed, can they?

So, what I born to be is unacceptable in the society. What should I do? Un-born? I wish… because I can’t accept what I am either. Cheat myself to cheat the world, could I? But if u is having sex with the same gender, can you cheat yourself that is nice? I barely can. Can you? Sorry, I am not out yet.

I don’t deny I am a weirdo. I can’t make myself materialize. I feel like in a movie where the actor feels like he is being ignored by his wife and people around him. At the end of the movie, he realized that he has been dead for some time. That’s why people ignored him. I got a sort of feeling like that now. Am I here? I exist?

Weirdo doesn’t deserve a family, weirdo doesn’t deserve a friend and weirdo doesn’t qualify for a girl. I am all lonely. I can even cease to exist to my “best” friend who lived in the same house, same room. I don’t know how. I hope the last shadow of me still exists and not despised.

Very thanks to all whom I know their names I can call friends and also for those who I don’t know their name but care to give a sign. When you see nothingness from something it is a blessing. If you see something from nothingness it is a curse.

I will keep waiting for someone who will never arrive. I will be waiting though time is running short. I will keep waiting. I promise.

Deteriorating

Last Friday I went to see movie at MP with my housemate. The movie called Poseidon. For me, it’s actually quite a lame movie about people escaping sinking ship.

Lately something is wrong with me. I got a strange weird feeling. May be it’s a change. Just hope I don’t become worse than what I am already now. I am growing old. I can notice the increasingly deeper groove of the wrinkles on my hand and more fine lines appeared near my eye area.

I got so easy exited lately? May be it’s a bodily last call for action before it also went down slope. I am the slave of my desire. I can hold them for a few hours, days then no more. I went back to who I was. My life expectance is growing short. When you see the end is moving towards you while you are moving towards it, it is scary. Yet nothing to be done makes one feels frustrating. My heart condition takes a part of my life expectancy away and my way of life slashed a huge chunk from it too. May be some organ is starting to weakens or may be injured.

Guess I am the one who will say good bye first due to natural death. If death god has not claim this soul, may be I shall go to him, someday. People here are so sensitive, close minded. That’s why I like to live in developed places, or foreign country perhaps so that I won’t suffocate of peoples closed narrow mindedness.

Because of my own unbearably bitter depression. I am suffering mentally in addition to physical disorders. The condition becomes serious that I have to cheer up myself. Eating is not my fancy lately, so do sleep. My friends and close friends all have firewalls erected between me. May be everybody does have this wall around our self because to protect own privacy, secret, and scare being hurt or humiliated. But how come so many foreigners can life so openly?

Help me, please..

Why I don’t have the joy of having but I have to suffer the pain of loss. How long I will need to get through this. Besides, what I want to do and what I should do logically is different. Oh god! Please help me. This mental torture is unbearable.

Why.

Ah yes… The passing of time, who else can feels them better than I do? Perhaps a devoted monk who has spent 50 years studying Buddhism can. Who else who can see the kernel of the operating system of this world, yet unable to completely comprehend or change them. I know so much, feels and see. But I am so hopeless. I can see why people said to see the whole u must be whole, both parts must be together. Some people who have found the other piece of the puzzle but yet can’t fit them together until old age and still many of those people die without the wisdom.

Why? Why let me see? I can’t do anything, yet why let me see? To see, I paid a kings ransom, even more than that. I paid my whole life, my living, my past, future and present. Because of that I have no hope, no memories. Everything I see I can’t touch, I can’t feel them on my hands. I couldn’t feel love. I would rather be blind and live like everybody does. I yearn to be normal. Please! I am begging you. Give me back my life on the other part of the puzzle and take this away.

I wanted to and yet I can’t reach them. It’s so frustrating. There is so much frustration with me that I want to end my life. Yet I can’t. Tic, tic, tic, the times flows by.

I am feeling something wrong with me these 2 days. What is it? I don’t know. There is strange feeling on my chest. My mind can’t function clearly. May be its blinded by my desire. Why?

There is some change I want to undo and some changes I want to do. I hope I won’t loose my best friend in the process. Your changes affect me yuying. I feel like I have been shot twice in the stomach, so painful while I die slowly.

Don’t worry; the person in the picture is not dead.

Sad days come again.

What will happen? The continent will break away from its land soon. I scare I will loose a friend, a good one. Will he change after getting a girlfriend? That is my most concern, why? Why I like this? Why now? Why?

Why god likes to do this? He like make ppl suffer? For all the mightiness, compassion and forgiveness he has? God has no eyes? I’m scared, I’m sad, I’m confused, I’m lonely, I should be happy yuying found his girlfriend. In the same time I also don’t want he to have girlfriend. I still need his companionship. If he found his girlfriend after he graduated then I would be truly happy for him. But why now? Why? My life sux. Feels like I’m in a KGB torture. Every step I take fills with broken shards of glass shredding through my flesh, my heart. Why? I hate this. Why? Why?..........

Then why don’t I find myself my girlfriend?
Because,
1) I scare I don’t fit for the girl I like
2) I scare I’m not good enough to own a girl who loves me
3) I don’t know which type of girl I like
4) I scare to disappoint her

Actually not really I scare, but its I really don’t fit to this.I am weird, I don’t deserve a girl, but I want also. Don’t know how I should think and feel. Will she mind? Oh my god! I’m drowning here. Or is it charring from the jealousy? Despite drowning and charring I should also feels happy for yuying ? ,when I feels trashed? . I offer my everything, I bet too much, yet I was willing cos if I don’t bet I wont win.

Ok, I should get some help. Professional help. I can’t live pass myself. I cant see a single step in front of me. Where I should go? I’m in a hell of dilemma, where should I reach to? Why? Man, why? Why me? Am I sad for myself? I really am feeling not right. Very suffocating. Where am I? why I’m here? Where should I go from here? I don’t live for myself, perhaps I should live for other people? But where is the people who needs me?

What is this crap? I’m off. Go sad.