Wait...still waiting...

Someone left someone out again. Wanted accompany for meals, hm… something too much to ask for. H says I should eat alone, ask for accompany only create vulnerable place to be hurt. There should not be promise in life also, because that leads to be aero-planed.

H also says my blog is nothing but gloomy feelings. Give me something good I shall write about it. How come I am so in-content of my life? Since when? As far as I can remember. Does grass always looks greener on the other side of the wall? Why can’t I at least cheat myself a bit? I still have to live, why make it so difficult for myself? H says he don't want me become like that. I say I can tell you everything, you can help me change. No reply after that. Not everything can be changed, can they?

So, what I born to be is unacceptable in the society. What should I do? Un-born? I wish… because I can’t accept what I am either. Cheat myself to cheat the world, could I? But if u is having sex with the same gender, can you cheat yourself that is nice? I barely can. Can you? Sorry, I am not out yet.

I don’t deny I am a weirdo. I can’t make myself materialize. I feel like in a movie where the actor feels like he is being ignored by his wife and people around him. At the end of the movie, he realized that he has been dead for some time. That’s why people ignored him. I got a sort of feeling like that now. Am I here? I exist?

Weirdo doesn’t deserve a family, weirdo doesn’t deserve a friend and weirdo doesn’t qualify for a girl. I am all lonely. I can even cease to exist to my “best” friend who lived in the same house, same room. I don’t know how. I hope the last shadow of me still exists and not despised.

Very thanks to all whom I know their names I can call friends and also for those who I don’t know their name but care to give a sign. When you see nothingness from something it is a blessing. If you see something from nothingness it is a curse.

I will keep waiting for someone who will never arrive. I will be waiting though time is running short. I will keep waiting. I promise.